Navigating Ethical Non-Monogamy: Insights from "The Ethical Slut"

In the LGBTQ+ community, we have a long, proud history of rewriting the rules of connection. Out of necessity and a desire for authenticity, many of us have stepped outside the "Relationship Escalator"—the heteronormative blueprint of dating, exclusive monogamy, and marriage.

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One of the most significant frameworks for exploring these alternative paths is Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM). Whether you identify as polyamorous, open, or simply "monogamish," the journey requires a high degree of intentionality and emotional labor. To learn about the concept of ethical non-monogamy, we can look to the foundational text The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy as a guide for navigating these expansive, healthy relationships.

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Here is how the book’s core principles approach the topic of ethical non-monogamy:

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1. Radical Honesty as a Form of Self-Care

For many LGBTQ+ individuals, "coming out" was our first exercise in radical honesty. The Ethical Slut takes this a step further, suggesting that total transparency with ourselves and our partners is the bedrock of any ethical connection.

In a therapeutic context, this may mean moving away from "people-pleasing" and hiding desires to avoid conflict. When we practice radical honesty, we reduce the cognitive load of keeping secrets and create a space where we can be fully seen and accepted. However, this does not always come without challenges.

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2. Unpacking the "Suitcase" of Jealousy

Jealousy is often viewed as a "bad" emotion or a sign that a relationship is failing. Easton and Hardy reframe jealousy as a symptom rather than a diagnosis. In therapy, we may support you to "unpack the suitcase" of jealousy to find what’s underneath:

• Attachment Injuries: Fear that a new partner will trigger a past abandonment.

• Value Misalignment: Feeling that your needs for quality time aren't being met.

• Compersion: The book introduces this beautiful concept—the ability to feel joy because your partner is experiencing joy with someone else.

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The book discusses that moving from jealousy to compersion is a psychological shift that involves strengthening your internal sense of security and self-worth.

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3. Deconstructing the "Mononormative" Script

Many of the mental health challenges queer people face stem from trying to fit into structures not built for us. The Ethical Slut encourages readers to question why we value certain relationship milestones over others.

By deconstructing these scripts, you can gain the agency to:

• Define your own boundaries: Moving from "rules" (limitations placed on others) to "agreements" (commitments made together).

• Prioritize "Chosen Family": Validating that platonic or "anchor" relationships can be just as significant as romantic ones.

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The Role of Relational Therapy in ENM

Exploring non-monogamy can bring up deep-seated fears. It isn't a "fix" for a relationship in crisis; rather, it is a path that requires consent and respect for your partner(s), robust communication skills and emotional regulation.

Our therapists often work with clients to:

• Facilitate "Processing": Creating a neutral space to discuss boundaries without the conversation devolving into conflict.

• Navigate Relational Dynamics: Exploring and reflecting on relationship challenges and successes that come up along the way.

• Address Shame: De-stigmatizing your desires in a world that often pathologizes non-traditional love.

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However, it’s important to remember that ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone. As therapists, we are here to help you understand your needs, values, and identity that may or may not align with relationship dynamics like ethical non-monogamy. 

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If you are struggling with navigating the complexities of ethical non-monogamy, you don't have to do it alone. Our clinic provides a kink-aware, poly-vibrant, and LGBTQ-affirming space to explore identity, your relationships, and much more. Reach out to us for a free 15-minute phone consultation to learn how we can help.

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